Trigger Happy B5
by Queen of the Shadylands
Summary: Someone on Babylon Five has found clips of an old Earth comedy called Trigger Happy TV and decides to remake the series.
1. Peace and Quiet

_I do not own Babylon 5 which is probably a very good thing, nor Trigger Happy TV which is the best hidden camera show there is. Just thought the image of Trigger Happy TV in B5 was a funny thought (starts to hysterically giggle at the mere thought, Yep I am easily amused). Enjoy._

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**It's good to relax.**

The Zen gardens were always a popular place amongst all the races found with in Babylon Five. They were the few places where people could get away from the hustle and noise of a busy space station and sit in the calm Zen atmosphere surrounded by the sight and smell of plants from planets they were so far from. A little piece of home. "HELLO!" Everyone in the garden jumped as a chubby man in a black suit shouted into the interlink on his wrist. Everyone stared. The small triangular device attached to the palm was not a wholly uncommon sight on the station though they were normally limited to members of security or military personnel. Yet this interlink attached to the back of the mans hand was ten times the normal size and took both hands to hold it by his ear. "YEAH!" continued the man as he very slowly made his way to the exit. "I'M IN THE GARDEN! YEAH. YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT, ITS RUBBISH!"

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_I make no apologies for this attempt at mixing the two. I realize Trigger Happy TV is more something to watch than read but I tried my best. Hope you enjoyed._


	2. Hiya Mum

I do not own Baylon Five or Trigger Happy TV, but it would sure be fun if I did.

No appologies for not quite getting Londos character, I'm not good at that thing.

Enjoy.

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Interruptions.

The man walked casually along as though he was not in fact wearing the fury costume of the earth creature called a gorilla. People slowed down to watch in confusion as they walked passed, one or two even stopped to watch. He had a piece of card held behind his back but its message was hidden against his back and he only pulled it out when he was standing three meters from a camera crew and a black suited man as he interviewed the Centari Ambassador Londo Molari.

"Do you mind if we call you Londo?" asked the suited interviewer.

"Not at all," replied the ambassador in his strong centari accent. He was smiling kindly, clearly very comfortable in front of the camera. His loud red coat with its gold embroidery and shiny gold buttons stood out even more next to the interviewer's plain black jacket. Yet what appeared to steal the interviewer's attention was the ambassadors hair which stood a large fan on his head. Eighty percent of the time the interviewer seemed to be addressing this alien hair style more than the actual alien. Londo was patiently ignoring this rudeness.

"How about Lon?" continued the interviewer.

"Sorry, what?"

"No not Lon, okay Londo." The interviewer had managed to lower his eyes as he tried to remember his script. "You have been aboard Babylon Five almost two years as the ambassador to the Centari people. Now back on Earth there has been some discussion as to whether the worth of the Babylon project equals its cost. How useful would you say the space station has been? Particularly on the issue of building Earth/alien relationships?"

Londo seemed quite happy about the question and began to speak straight away almost as though he had prepared. The interviewer nodded, feigning interest as his eyes slipped back to the centari hair do, till they were both distracted by a "Oo, oou, ah ah," from behind. It was the gorilla man holding a sign in his hands saying 'Hiya Mum!" in pink writing. Londo looked at the interviewer questioningly but the man had already turned his back to the joker and with a hand irritably rubbing his temple, he told the ambassador to ignore the gorilla and continue speaking. Londo had no problem ignoring the idiot dressed in an animal suit but he could not help but wonder if it did not have something to do with a certain Narnn trying to make him look stupid to the people of Earth.

The interviewer on the other hand seemed incapable of ignoring the prankster and within a few of Londos words he interrupted the ambassador and turned to the gorilla. "Look mate, this ain't funny so turn around and sod off." The gorilla bowed its large head disappointedly and began to walk away. The interviewer straightened his jacket and smiled, clearly embarrassed. "I'm very sorry about that Ambassador."

"It is perfectly alright. One thing about living on Babylon Five is that you get used to a few strange individuals."

The interviewer laughed. "Same here. There's always one idiot who wants to get in front of the camera, but back to what you were sayi..." The gorilla was back. "Hey! I am trying to do an interview here!" The gorilla didn't move so the interviewer moved towards him. "Look I'm warning you sod off, now... Right that's it I warned you!" He grabbed the card in the gorillas hand and hit him over the head with it. He began to turn back to the camera crew and Londo but the gorilla gave him a little shove and ran away, the interviewer chased close behind.

Londo stood unsure of what to do. The interviewer had run away. To attack the joker was fair enough, Londo would have done it himself if there had not been a camera present, but to run away, well that was just rude. G'kar defiantly had something to do with this. He turned to the camera crew. "Can we proceed with out him?"


	3. It's A Dog Eat Dog World

I do not own any rights to the fantastic sci-fi series Babylon Five or the wonderfully hilarious Trigger Happy TV.

This is the last situation I can think of. If you can think of another situation then please do suggest it or even better write it yourself and put it up, anyway down to the story. Enjoy.

It's a Dog Eat Dog Station.

"Uh Chief."

Garibaldi, head of security at Babylon Five sighed, dropped his fork and resignedly tapped in interlink attached to the back of his hand. "What is it Zack?"

"Uh, I think you had better come see this for yourself."

Once again he sighed. He had just been about to enjoy a lovely meal, he should have known that something would happen. He wished that for just one day nothing would happen and he could just relax, but this was Babylon Five, the last and best hope for peace, of course he couldn't have quiet day. "Okay Zack I'll be right there." There had better be a good reason for this.

Garibaldi stared at the monitor showing the individual in the interrogation room. Zack had been in the room too, but now that the security officer had joined his boss and Garibaldi asked the question that had been irritating him since he walked in. "Zack, why is there a man dressed as a dog in my interrogation room!"

"Uh… He was attacked by… by another man dressed as a dog." Zack seemed very reluctant to have just said that aloud.

"Attacked? What do you mean attacked?" Garibaldi looked at the screen once again as though to check that there was actually a man dressed a spotted dog in his room.

"Well witnesses said that the Dalmatian was sniffing the flowers on one of the stalls in the zocalo when…"

"The Dalmatian?"

Zack pointed to the dog on the monitor. "He refused to speak and started growling when I tried to take his hood off, so I thought I'd call him the Dalmatian as we don't have his actual name."

As head of security at the space station Babylon Five he had, had his fair share of strange alien customs, he had a whole section of the station cut off by a telekinetic field, he had mimbari cocooning themselves in their quarters, he did not need to be dealing with idiots dressed up as dogs. "So the _Dalmatian_ was sniffing flowers when...?"

"When another man dressed up as a dog walked over, hit Dalmatian on the head and began kicking him before walking away. I only got there as the dog… man was walking off and by the time I knew what was happening, he was already gone."

"He's probably one of the ones behind the strange pranks around the station."

"My thoughts exactly chief."

"I hate pranksters," said Garibaldi taking a seat. "They can be worse than any drunk Mimbari." Suddenly he stood up and with out another word to Zack he walked into the interrogation room. Zack eagerly watched on the monitor as the security chief calmly sat down on the chair. "Hi," Garabaldi began, "I'm Garibaldi head of security and I really don't like pranksters. So you have five seconds to take that hood off before I take it off for you and shove it where the sun don't shine. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2…"

"Okay, okay. Relax!" came the muffled reply from the Dalmatian.

"Good choice."

Two white paws rose and clumsily lifted off the hood revealing a man in his early twenties with short brown hair, green eyes and a slightly crooked nose. The young man sported an overdramatic moody expression as though he were a spoilt child who's fun has just been spoilt.

"Now why are you dressed like a dog?" demanded Garibaldi sternly.

"Look, I haven't done anything wrong, you can't hold me here."

"Right now I should be sitting at home about to eat a delicious meal I took my time to cook, whilst enjoying my second favourite thing in the world, but instead I'm here with you and am in a very bad mood. So once again and only once, why are you dressed like a dog?"

"It's for a hidden camera show we want to do," the young man admitted casually.Garibaldi frowned. "A what?"

"A hidden camera show," the young man repeated. "We found some recordings of this twentieth century comedy series where they would do weird things and record it and the surrounding peoples reactions using a secret camera. Well, we thought we would bring it up to date." He looked rather proud of the idea, but Garibaldi wasn't so convinced.

"So let me get this straight," he said trying to fully understand, "you and your friends dress up as dogs and attack each other then record how other people react."

"That's not all we do," the man replied defencively. "We also do false interviews, the foreigner who doesn't know the language, which works really well with the aliens, also the giant interlink and we want to do the toilet in the lift but we are having difficulty with that one."

"The toilet in the lift?" Garibaldi couldn't help it, he was intrigued.

The man began to giggle. "Yeah you put weird things in the lift and then wait for somebody to want to use it. We managed to gather a load of people dressed as Mimbari singing, but what we really want to do is fit in a toilet and have someone sitting on it. I mean imagine wanting to go to another floor and when the doors open, there's a man sitting there on a toilet."

Garibaldi smiled. "If you're wanting to do that then I might have a way."

"What really?"

"Well your not really hurting anybody, but there's one condition."

The young man looked doubtful. "What?"

"You have to time it so that it's done on a certain someone as he heads to work."

"Who?"

Garibaldi smiled mischievously. "You'll see."


	4. Graffiti

_I swear to Valen that I do not own any of the rights to Trigger Happy TV or B5._

_Yay I have the video (how old fasioned of me) of the best of series one of Trigger Happy TV. It's given me some new ideas, so here they are._

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**Graffiti.**

They were not quite like the gardens back home but they were beautiful, perfect for peaceful meditation and contemplation. Jeff had told Delenn that it was a Zen garden, a style of gardening which came from Zen, a branch of the Earth religion Buddhism. She found it strange how many religions had formed on this one small planet, but according to her research it seemed that this Buddhism was the closest to the relgion of Delenns home planet. Yet even within Buddhism there were many devisions.

As the Mimbari embassador sat daintily on the bench and amired the sheer diversity of the human race, she failed to notice the dark haired man apporach. "Excuse me." Distracted from her thoughts Delenn looked up to see the man in a strange green uniform leaning on a large shovel.

"Can I help you? she asked, smiling politly.

"Yeah, hi. I'm one of the gardeners here an' I've 'ad aome complaints aboutsomeone matching your description doing graffiti in one of the gardens."

Delenn frowned. "I am sorry but I do not understand the meaning of this word 'graffiti."

The gardener looked thoughtful as he struggled to think the approapriate words. "Oh... um... it's when people paint on walls in a disrespectful way also known as conceptual art. Apparently someone wrote 'Valen rules, ok!'"

Delenn was shocked at such an accusation and appalled that one of her people would do such a thing. Yet the most her expression revealed was mild confusion with a smile. "I am afraid that you are mistaken," she said kindly. "I have not and would not graffiti."

"Are you sure, it's jus' tha' you match the description."

"Very sure."

"Right, well jus' 'ad to make sure. It's not that i disagree with the graffiti but you 'ave to understand that your not allowed to do it 'ere. If you want to write on your walls at home then that's up to you, I mean your old enough to decide how to decorate your own home but to write words in the gardens you must get permission first. Anyway... you say you didn't do it-" she nodded. "Well then 'ave a nice day. I'd better be off, got somebody to bury. Enjoy the gardens."

"I will thankyou." She was not sure what to think as the strange gardener walked away and missed yet another man as he stood beside her.

"Who was that?" asked John Sheriden. Delenn stood up. "He is one of the gardeners."

"I've never seen one of the gardeners before. What did he want?"

"Oh, why don't I tell you as we walk."

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_Ok no apologies for not quite getting Delenn's character. Hope you enjoyed._


	5. The wrong man

_Once again I own no rights to the two wonderful shows involved in this piece of writting. Enjoy._

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**Mr. Sad Penguin.**

Zak stared at the man sitting next to him. Black suit with pale blue shirt, black gloves, black glasses and a black hat. He looked like he belonged to the psi corps but there was no insignea attached to his shoulder.

"Can I help you?" asked Zak, feeling a tad unsure about having someone from the corps suddenly approach him and on his break of all times. The man, who had been suspiciously looking around him now turned to face Zak. "You have the cystal?"

"What?" replied a rather confused Zak.

The man leaned in closer. "You have the data crystal, I have the money." He lifted up a briefcase onto the table.

Zak stared. "I don't know what your talking about."

"You are not Sad Penguin?"

"What? No!"

"Oh." The man looked bewildered then smiled embarissed. "Very Sorry." Zak watched as the man stood up, picked up his briefcase and looked at the other tables around them till he spotted another man dressed simular to him sitting four tables over. Zak couldn't help but stare as the two men saluted eachother then switched the briefcase for a small data crystal, then quickly walked away in opposite directions.Zak was sure that something illegal had just gone down right in front of his nose. Garibaldi would be ashamed, but hey Zak was on his break.


	6. The Drink Test

This idea was from Lucillia. I tried my best and hope you enjoy. Also really liked melgars psyckic gag which made me laugh. Glad you both enjoyed.

oh yeah, I don't own either of the fatastic programs featured in this here fanfic.

Enjoy! Meep!

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Thirsty?

It was in the eye contact that they trapped you, almost as if their eyes had some magical power. You could look down or to the side or at the faces around you, but always your gaze returns to them. Only those with subborn will power can say "No!" and stride away, but David Corwin was too polite and quiet to refuse.

"Hi! I'm Troy McClure!" said the chubby man in the large puffy purpil coat with the word Zippo written on it in bright orange. "I'm from Zippo drinks and I'm here on Babylon Five to do a taste test on a new product." His overly cheery voice was at a forced loudness that would not register as shouting but was strong enough to interest those passing by and his words had not been directed not towards David but to the camera pointing at them. "So what's your name?"

David smiled sheepishly as attention was turn to him. "David"

"Well Dave, what we want to do here is a taste test." He snapped his fingers and one of his comrades who had been standing beside the cameraman bounced foreward holding out a tray. Troy lifted two glasses from the tray. "Here we have a new Zingo drink and another popular brand that for legal reasons we cannot name, so shall call Sample W. Now you just have to put this blindfold on and tell us what you think of the two drinks and which tastes batter." And before David could protest a blindfold was put over his eyes, he was spun around three times and then a drink shoved in each hand.

Suddenly the cameraman and the tray guy silently ran off, only to return with a table full of sheets of paper and armbands, and a stool on which Troy sat. Troy who had removed his his bright jacket revealing a long sleved black shirt with a red armband underneath, quickly spun around a sign behind him. It went from saying the word Zippo in bright orange and green to _Join the Nightwatch today and enjoy a free fasionable armband. _He took on an expression of utter boredom as, along with two confused looking mimbari, a number of humans and a facinated Vorlon, he waited for David to eventually remove the blindfold.


	7. Bagpipes

Music to the ears.

Londo sat alone at the table sipping his third coaktail of the morning. He sighed. Anytime soon his highly irritating and nieve assistant would find him and drag him to that darn meeting with the Drazi, but till then he could enjoy his purpil tinted drink in relative peacefullness in the casino bar. As he drank he failed to notice the man wearing a large red kilt, puffy blue jacket and multicoloured socks that ran to his knees.On his face was an obserdly large fake beard and on his head a large afro. Londo only noticed this strange man standing beside his chair when the man began to play the bagpipes he held in his hands.

The instument whinned and groaned in protest at being used by such an inexperienced and untalented musician. Londo closed his eyes in frustrasion. Only on this station would be be harrased by such silly alien customs, it was not something that an ambassador should have to put up with. G'kar probably had something to do with this.

"Stop," said Londo finally, his ears unable to take any more. The musican stopped. "If I had wanted to listen to a sound from hell then I would have called one of my wives. Now go away."

Londo dismisivly waved his hand at the man and leaned back in his chair trying once again to comfortably enjoy his drink. Only the man did not leave as instructed. Instead he leaned foreward and held out his hand. Londo had seen this gesture before, it indicated that he wanted money for his performance. Londo could not believe what he was seeing.

"Great Maker! You can not be serious," said Londo irratably. The man did not move. "Listen and listen carefully, Go aw-"

"I a speaka no English."

Londo frowned, he had not met a human who could not speak his own language properly. Rather inconciderate, he thought, especially after he had taken his own time to learn Earth language. It was not like Earth people ever bothered to learn Centari. Earth people are so lazy. Suddenly Londo froze and glared at the man. He looked very familiar. "Do I know you?"

"Uh... no. I jus' arrive. You no know me."

"I thought you did not understand me," said Londo suspiciously. "Wait I do know you! But from where?"

Suddenly the musican ran with only one look back before he was out of casino. Londo frowned even harder as he realised that the man running seemed familiar too. What the human word? Deja vu.


End file.
